The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down