me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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all bases covered
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.