When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.