The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS