Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.