3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Squirrels before girls.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable