*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?