interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?