therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this