If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
it is time once again
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week