Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You Might Also Like
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey