Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.