Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
They also CAN sing✌️
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it