For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
when mom throws a party…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Our lord and savoury.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*