If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Husband of the year 😂
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.