friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game