Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
That earthquake could have been an email.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.