Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.