“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Knock Knock
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.