So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
He’s dead
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample