Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…