I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Just a phase…
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Very good news from my accountant
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.