The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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This is my pinned tweet
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.