One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
You Might Also Like
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.