My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Good news
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”