Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread