TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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some things should go without saying
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I found your tweet-up…
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
why would tinder want me to say this
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try