I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My background check bounced.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.