My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
You Might Also Like
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
me and the Superbowl rn
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”