[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
How actors in movies eat their food
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
guys i’ve cracked the code