Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.