FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.