me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
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If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree