Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I love wikipedia
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.