“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.