FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
You Might Also Like
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
This meal prepping shit is easy
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.