netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.