I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.