True statement👍😏😁
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?