One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.