Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.