Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Catercrombie & Fish
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside