If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined