“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..