My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Bike for sale
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
It’s a gift
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]