I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Velcrow
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Teach your children to beatbox
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.