*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything