“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there