Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
nothing saves money like being antisocial
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?