[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security